death by soufflé

Death by Soufflé

I have to admit, when life brings me down

There's only one thing that gets rid of my frown

Emotional eating, that's where I begin

To stuff my face full of my fav'rite sin

Chocolate and ice cream, fudge, cookies and pie

I can hold out no more, dude, it's do or die

The heartache, it's gone, I forget all my pain

Oh it feels so good, I just can't explain

All warm and fuzzy, then bloated and sick

I know what is coming, it's like a salt lick

Addicted at first, you can't pull me away

And then in the end, it's death by soufflé

nothing left to lose

Broken homes and broken hearts
Finding pieces missing parts
A generation hooked on booze
We've got nothing left to lose

Shattered hopes and scattered dreams
We're so tired of all these schemes
A generation with no clues
We've got nothing left to lose

Sex, drugs, and rock and roll
Have all taken their own toll
A generation left to choose
We've got nothing left to lose

Falling down and looking up
Holding just an empty cup
A generation in the pews
We've got nothing left to lose

Giving up and giving in
Radicals turning from sin
A generation in the news
We've got nothing left to lose

the cost of freedom

I have recently been faced with a serious question from God. And...I failed. I got angry. I swore at Him, raged in my heart against Him. "How could He_____?" Well, for one, He's God. He can do whatever He wants, and if He wants to throw me into the fire, He can do that, because, well, He's God.

I have been given two options, and both are very painful. One is freedom, and the other is enslavement. I can stay where I'm at, or I can be free. Where I'm at is shit...pardon my language, but you'll probably read more of it in this post. I'm going to be real, and sometimes shit is the best word to use :)

So anyways, my heart is to be used by God. I long for a family, and I long to pour out my life into the slums of this world. That's all I want. That's all I've ever wanted. And I've known that if I stay where I'm at, I'll never be able to live my dreams, and I've known that to get where I want to be, is going to take my heart to break. Well, these are the options I know I've had for quite some time now, and I am now in the valley of decision. Take it, or leave it. Give up everything I am and be free, or hang on to my past and live in misery.

I struggled. Boy did I struggle. If God decided to physically show up to me (which I challenged Him to do), I was hell bent on all out war with Him. I was so mad. All I wanted to do was pull out every weapon I had and tear Him apart.

That lasted about 3-4 weeks.

And then I came to my senses.

And that's why I'm still alive to write this ;)

Why did I struggle with that question? Of course I wanted to be free...but to be free, is anything but free.

The cost of freedom. Gosh. It will cost you everything. And freedom won’t just take what you have, it will take what you are. I have already given up everything I have, I did that a few years ago, and life drastically improved, but this time around, it's calling for everything I am, and I freaked out (not to say I didn't freak out last time either).

To give everything I am, is to embrace everything He is. To receive His heart, mine has to break. And that's why I freaked. I know only in part what I am called to, and it's big, and it's scary, but there are people out there, who, if I don't get my act together, are going to hell. All heaven and earth was waiting for me to answer. Heaven was waiting for the ok to start, and earth was waiting to be saved.

***side note: Ok, please read this right. I'm not saying I'm going to save the world, or, it's all about me. I know I'm not the only one called, and I know I'm not the only one who's answering the call. But all of us need to get our act together. There are people out there that you and I are called to bring the Truth to, and if we don't do it, if we don't pick up our calling, they aren't going to make it to heaven. We can tell God to give our mantle to someone else, but essentially it's ours, and it's not going to fit anyone as perfectly as it was made to fit us.***

So, as I said earlier, I failed. I was overcome with fear of the suffering I was called to enter. I told God I didn't want my calling, and to give it to someone else. The mantle was too big and too heavy for me, and I chickened out.

But I was so torn, because I am so bound with chains I can't break off myself, and I so desperately want to be free. I can stay where I'm at, bound on the inside, and live in misery, or I can embrace the fire, and let the intensity of the heat melt those chains loose. I can fall on the Rock and be crushed, or let the Rock fall on me and crush me. Both options are painful.

A couple of days ago my life changed. again. And I gave in. My pride and fear fell to the ground, as I collapsed on the bathroom floor. I told God...He has my permission to completely wreck my life.

Freedom is so costly. True freedom only comes through Christ, and it will cost everything. But what else is there? I wouldn't be living if I didn't choose to be destroyed. I don't want to be in control anymore.

It's going to take everything I'm not, to get where I'm created to be. It's not enough for me to be challenged anymore. It's not even enough to be changed. When something is changed, there is still a possibility that it can be changed back. I want to be transformed, there is no turning back then. A butterfly can't be transformed back into a caterpillar.

This journey is going to be so painful. It wasn't even my fault how I got where I am...it was the sins of the people before me, the mistakes that they made. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm perfect, I'm saying that I got screwed up before I had a chance to screw myself up, but it really doesn't matter how I got where I am, what matters is that I can't stay where I am. And God created me with such a burning passion for Him, that I will do whatever it takes. There is a world out there waiting for the love of God...dying for His love, and God has called me to get over myself and do something about it.

And I'm finally answering that call. I've finally said yes.

Bring on the lions den Father. I know I'll make it out alive, for You said You'll close the lion’s mouths.

put on your armor

I've been noticing lately how so many christian warriors I know are just getting so beat up. It's starting to tick me off. I've been feeling, and hearing from prophets...to put on your armor, because the times are getting tough.

I don't know if it's just here in this area, or the people I know, but we really do need to be ready. So many amazing people I know are taking hit after hit, and I've been one who has struggled immensely this year, and I've about had enough. I've found myself on the floor over and over again, feeling like my legs have been taken out from under me, barely having the strength to raise my head. I know what's going on, but I haven't had the strength to fight back.

I've been looking around and seeing how many others are going thru the same things, and I'm getting angry at the enemy robbing us. I've had enough! Seriously guys, put on your armor, lets form an army of God together and stand strong! None of us can do this alone, and we need to work together, stand together, cover each others backs, pray and fast for each other, and help each other when we've been hit.

I guess this is a call to wear the armor we've been given. Don't neglect to make sure it's on everyday. I know it's not going to make everything better, but we all know what the purpose of armor is. :)

i haven't forgotten you

Hello to those of you who read this blog :)

Just an apology for not writing in here for a while. I have been so busy, and until I get a laptop of my own, it's hard to keep this updated. I also have been traveling all over, and I have just been so busy.

I have to say tho, that God is totally amazing, and everyday I am left in astonishment! :D He's just so fun, and He's been opening up my eyes even more to who He really is...and who I really am. Gosh. I've been left in awe and wonder...and this journey is so far from being over!

So may God bless you all, and I'll try to get some more stuff in here :)

Love love love!

that was random

Do you ever find yourself saying "that was a random thought", followed by, "hmmm, oh well", and you just continue on with your day? Next time you have one of those, don't shrug it off, it may be more than "just a random thought".

I've been learning lately, how not so random my thoughts really are. As long as I can remember, I've had some pretty out-there things come from the unknown territory in the back of my head. I've written them off as my overactive imagination, or, found myself beating myself up for even thinking something like that. And quite often, when I write it off as my imagination, I've felt God say to me..."I gave you your imagination". And that is true.

The random thoughts that I have, I've been able to put into three categories, they are:

Random thoughts outside of me (these are most often pictures, or scenes, like from a movie reel), for example...

I was driving with a friend down the freeway, and I was just gazing out the window, in my own little zone, and my eyes fell onto a field we were passing by. I saw, in my head, a plane crash on that field. There was wreckage all over it, flames, and parts strewn in the near by trees. I thought, "hmmm, that was odd", and never gave it another thought. Not even five minutes later, we were then driving by a river, and in my zoned out state, I saw a horse drowning in that river. It wasn't actually happening, but I saw it in my head. I then thought about how I have such an "overactive imagination", and forgot that scene too. I shrugged it off as being one of the many random thoughts I have each day, and have had since I was a little kid.

Then there are the random thoughts that include me doing something (sometimes quite morbid)...

A common thought I've had quite repeatedly, has been as I'm walking down a flight of stairs, and I get the urge to push someone down them. I've had thoughts to drive into trees, swerve into oncoming traffic, walk out into traffic, jump from great heights (with no parachute), and I've seen myself splat on the ground beneath, and those are just a few to mention, and are all a little disturbing. Then there are those not so disturbing, like dropping money through a car window, or having the urge, or warning about hitting a particular parked car.

And then there are the thoughts that include emotion (I've taken these as my own, and sometimes they are, but I'm learning that's not always the case)...

These are the ones I beat myself up for. For example, last new years eve, there was a bunch of us invited over to a friends house to celebrate and worship in the new year, and I found myself looking at someone I love, through very judging eyes. I repeatedly rebuked those thoughts, but they wouldn't seem to leave. I've had numerous thoughts like these, thoughts that I was convinced were my own.

Ok, those are the different kind of random thoughts that I've had, and now for the other side of the fence...where did they come from?

In my experience so far, I've noticed that there are 4 different places that thoughts come from. There's the obvious, my own thoughts, things I believe, past, or future dreams. And there's God. There's satan. And then...there's other people.

Now for the fun part :) Discernment. Out of the four places I just named, which one did that crazy thought come from? I've been learning (only recently) to stop and question things when I have a random thought, and it's quite fun actually :) I've been learning that I'm not as crazy as I had previously thought (awe nuts).

I'll start with the thoughts outside of me, the pictures and scenes. Lets look at the plane crash, and the drowning horse. As we continued to drive down the road, my thoughts wandered back to what I had just seen in my head, and then the thought hit me...hmmm, I wonder if there was a plane crash in that field in the past, or, if there was going to be in the future. And the horse...I wondered if a horse did drown in that river, or if one might in the future. And so I did what I knew to do...pray. I prayed cleansing and healing over the land, and families, if there was a crash, and I also prayed protection if it hadn't happened yet (past and future).

The next group of thoughts are slightly different (but still are mostly in picture form), the urges I get to hurt myself or others, or to do something random. The first thing to do when having a crazy thought, is question it. Do I believe what I just thought? If no, keep going down the list. Was that thought a Godly thought...from Him? Was it a thought from satan...or, have others thought this and possibly acted on it? If it's something morbid, it probably came from satan or someone else. I'll then pray over these thoughts as well. Most of the time cleansing, healing, and protection. Feel free to station angels in a place if you feel like it hasn't happened yet (they are here for us ya know, and we can send angels out on our behalf, they are here to help and protect humankind :)).

The thought to drop money through a car window...ha, here's the story: Three friends and I went to the mall recently, and we split up inside and went our separate ways. As one girl and I were walking back to our car, I had this urge to drop money in through the passenger window that was partially open. The closer I got, the stronger the urge got, and before I could see inside on the seat, I knew there was going to be money there. And there was! Ha, our friends had left before us, and on their way out, had dropped a dollar bill through my window. The next story is about the parked vehicle I was warned not to hit. The story behind that one is interesting as well. I had just left home and was driving past a bunch of vehicles parked on the side of the road. One stuck out to me, more than the others, and I had either the urge to hit it, or the warning not to (not sure which one it was), and so I was careful in passing it. As I passed it, I realized that it had just been hit! Someone not long before me, was involved in a hit and run. There were pieces of the vehicles tail lights on the ground, and whoever had hit them, was no where to be seen.

I thought those two circumstances were very interesting, as I had these "random" urges to do things, but soon realized that they had just been done. Hmmm. How often does this happen and me not know it? (I'll touch on this topic in a later post.)

And then there's the third group of thoughts, the emotional ones. I have had more grief over these than any other thoughts. Back to the story about last new years eve...I was celebrating and worshiping at a friends house, and I found myself looking at her through eyes of judgment. I felt so bad, so I disappeared off into a room by myself. I worshiped for a few minutes as I thought about what happened. I started to question myself if I actually believed what I was thinking. I realized...no, I don't! Wow. So I went down the list. I knew it wasn't God's voice...satan? It could've been, but I knew in my spirit that it wasn't...hmm...someone else. I walked back into the main room, and I knew that those thoughts were coming from someone else in there, and I was picking them up and receiving them as my own. I looked around the room, and I knew who it was coming from. So...I prayed for them :) Didn't know what else to do in that situation.

That was the first time I realized that so many times before, I've taken others thoughts as my own...and rebuked myself for having them...when they weren't mine to begin with.

The spiritual realm (one level of it), because we can't see it...is kinda like radio waves. Right now, almost wherever you are, there are radio waves passing through your atmosphere. All you have to do is tune a radio to certain stations, and you'll hear them audibly. That's almost what was happening with me (and I know others as well). That new years, I was "tuning in", if you will, to someone else's thoughts, and I got them confused with my own.

I am still in the learning curve of this stuff, but even just being a little aware of what's going on around us, will bring more clarity to our insanity. It definitely has made me feel better about myself. :)

I've written what I have, because that's the way we learn things...either from being taught, or from supernatural revelation. I didn't cover all that's in my head with this topic, this ended up longer than I anticipated anyways, and so I'll be touching on more of this stuff later.

Be blessed, and remember to stop and question the random thoughts you have, you may be surprised at the outcome.

*Lord, I pray that the Spirit of Discernment and Revelation will fall on those that read this post. Burn in their hearts a holy hunger for You, that will never be satisfied! Open our eyes to the Spiritual realm around us, and let us walk '...on earth as it is in Heaven'! Amen!"

when the tears fall

After I posted the last post, I laid down in bed to sleep and put some music on. I had the urge to write some poetry (as I often do). So I got up and came back here. I tried, but all I could write was the song that is playing. It is beautiful, and this is my heart. I can't steal this song and call it my own, 'cause I never wrote this one, but may you be blessed and encouraged to read it, even tho it is better with music.
*Lord, I pray that whoever reads this will feel Your Spirit fill their presence, wherever they are and whatever they are doing. Thank You for being so faithful Father.*

When the Tears Fall

I've had questions, without answers

I've known sorrow, I have known pain

but there's one thing, that I'll cling to

You are faithful, Jesus You're true

when hope is lost, I'll call You Saviour

when pain surrounds, I'll call You Healer

when silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

in the lone hour, of my sorrow

through the darkest night of my soul

You surround me, and sustain me

my Defender, forever more

when hope is lost, I'll call You Saviour

when pain surrounds, I'll call You Healer

when silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

And I will praise you, I will praise You
when the tears fall, still I will sing to You
I will praise you, Jesus praise You
Through the suffering still I will sing

when hope is lost, I'll call You Saviour

when pain surrounds, I'll call You Healer

when silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

I will praise you, I will praise you

when the tears fall, still I will sing to You

I will praise you, Jesus praise You

Through the suffering, still I will sing to You

Always I sing to You

Jesus I'll sing for You

When the laughter, fails to comfort

when my heart aches, Lord are you there?

when confusion, is all around me

and the darkness, is my closest friend

still I will praise You

Jesus praise You

~ Tim Hughes

what else do I have?

Gosh, I am so poor at keeping journals. This is actually the best I think I've ever done at keeping one up. I'm trying :)

I have been so busy over here in Kona, Hawaii, it's hard to write everything that God is doing.

I will say tho, that He is totally wrecking me. I am so ready for a break, but I know one isn't coming yet. Last night I cried myself to sleep. I realized..."who have I in heaven, or on earth, but You Lord?" And His response was "I will never leave you or forsake you". Such a beautiful thing really, but so painful to get there. Our relationship is being forged together like metals, but the heat in the process is almost unbearable. I don't like being in the fire, but I am yielded. What else do I have but Him? What else?

Absolutely nothing.

And so I cling to my wonderful Maker. I am so desperate and I am in such desperate need of my Father, the only One who will "never leave or forsake me".
It's like I'm desperately clutching the ends of a frayed rope, as I hang over the edge of a cliff. There is no way that anyone will be able to loosen my grip. My life is at stake. And it really is. And so I cling.

I love my Lord. More than anything. But His pruning knife is painful.

Even tho I will never understand why things end up the way they do...

...yet I will praise.

just some thoughts

Have you ever wanted something so bad, that you ached. Probably yes.

I'm writing this entry from Kona, Hawaii, my new home for a couple months...and it's beautiful here. But beautiful isn't good enough. I want more. Actually...I want ugly. I want to be where no one else wants to be. My heart aches for that place in the mud and dirt, covered in mosquito bites, where, when you get sick, help will never make it in time. I want to rely so much on God, that He is all I have. And He is bringing me to that place, first in my heart, before in my physical. And that's hard, because it's easier to change my surroundings, than change my heart...but when my heart is changed, so are my surroundings, because I look at everything differently. Hmmm...I learn more when I write stuff out too...this is good. Inside of me are feelings and thoughts, but that's all they are, a mess of jumbled words, and writing puts them into order, and my eyes are opened to what I really am.



If you are reading this...please say a prayer for me. I am in a season of transitioning, and it's never easy, but the outcome is always worth it. God is bringing me out of my past and into my future. Out of who I was, and into who I am. So, mahalo (that's "thank-you" in Hawaiian) ;)



Well, I'm going to get out of this room, and go to the beach. I have the weekend before classes start, and I think I may be hanging out on a boat tomorrow...I know, sucks to be me eh. ;)

May our Father bless you with truth!

Sharon rose

...yet i will praise

I just want to say...that I am in love.

In love with Someone far greater than me...and even if I don't understand how He works (which I don't), and why He chooses to do the things He does...yet I will praise.

...yet I will praise, when people look down on the decisions I make.

...yet I will praise, when I have no money in the bank and bills are due.

...yet I will praise, when all I want to do is crawl into a lonely, dark cave and weep.

...yet I will praise, when this rose of sharon is crushed to produce a sweet aroma.

...yet. I. will. praise.

I will dance with these broken legs, and I will lift up my weary voice to praise my wonderful maker!
The true Rose of Sharon was crushed on Calvary for me, so that the sweet smelling Oil of the Holy Spirit could come forth. I have prayed to be "just like Jesus", and He is lovingly answering my prayers.


...yet I will praise, though I am crushed as the petals of a rose.

it's all God's fault

Being a Christian sucks...for the selfish at heart (me). I want to do what I want to do, and that goes directly against what a christian stands for. I have grown up putting people before me, and dying to self, and not living for me...but since I've done that, sometimes it makes it even harder to give up just a little bit more. I've already given up so much, can't I just do something I want to do?
No.
I can't.
Because Jesus didn't. And I'm supposed to be like Him.

My life has been totally ruined. Jesus ruined it. He's told me all the wonderful ways to live my life, and how fulfilling it will be, if I just accept what He's offering. What He didn't say, was that I wasn't going to be able to conquer myself and actually do what He's told me to do...well, at least I don't remember that part of the story. I am so independant, to a point that it's crippled me, and I know it. And I'm still the same. That's the worst thing about being a christian...is that it's been pointed out to me everything I'm doing wrong...and even though I know it's wrong, I don't change. I still do all those wrong things.

And then there's grace...
Sometimes I hate it, sometimes I love it. I hate it because I don't understand it. And it humbles me because I don't deserve it. It shows me that I can try as hard as I want on my own, but I'm always going to need it, 'cause I'm not perfect...and I don't like that.
If only I could just be perfect...then I wouldn't need God.
That sounds terrible. Did that just come from me? I have so much pride.
And the other side of the coin...
I love grace, because it lets me say all those things I just said without condemning me for it, I am still loved. And we love what loves us first, we can't help it. And Grace tells me He loves me, so I can't help but love Him back.

What a predicament. My life is so wrecked. My desires are almost non existent, replaced with desires not my own...and if that's not the worst part, I can't comprehend those desires. They don't make any sense to me, but yet they are now mine. I can't do what I want to do 'cause now I don't want to do it. What a mess. Totally not fair. Love isn't fair to the selfish.

John 12:25
He who loves his life will lose it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.

Well, I think I'm on the right path...hating my life...

Galatians 5:14
The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself."

And then again...maybe I'm not. I'm supposed to love others, and if I hate myself, that makes my job even harder.

Like I said...my life is a mess. But it's all God's fault. He told me to be perfect, and then He showed me I can't...gave me grace, which humbled me and showed me I need Him...and He loves me through it all. He loves me if I follow what He says, and He loves me if I don't. He would love me if I had no desire to change my heart, and He would even love me if I walked away from Him forever. I don't work for His love, and that's what's not fair. I want to think that I actually did something for Him to love me, but that would just be feeding my pride. All He wants is to pour out His love on me, and the only thing stopping Him is my willingness to recieve.

But the cool thing He told me the other day, is that He's going to do it even if I try to run (I've also prayed that He'd break my legs if I had any thoughts to escape...). He loves me so much, and He's going to use me as an example of His love. The same goes for you. That's what being a christian is about...God's love. We are walking around under God's amazing love for all the world to see. How much are you letting Him love you? Can others see it, do they want what you have? Why don't you open up your heart a little bit more and give Him a few more keys to all those locked doors? He's waiting, and the only thing He's going to do is love you. God's daring you to let Him love you more...
...are you up for the challenge?

self pity

Lord, sometimes it’s hard to keep my heart right.
Sometimes it’s hard to honor others when they don’t honor you. Sometimes it’s hard to love, when you aren’t loved in return. It’s hard to see things the way You do, when all I have are these earthly eyes. Father, teach me to be like You. Teach me how to focus on You when all I see is blurred through the tears of self pity. I’m sorry Father. I have failed in so many ways. But somehow You still love me. You never fail. Your love never fails. It’s hard to live in Your hands and not the hands of my enemies. It’s hard to look to You, when all I see is them. Teach me how to see. Father, teach me how to love others when they don’t love me. Teach me how to honor them when they don’t honor me. I know that I don’t honor someone because they are honorable, but because I am; teach me how to be honorable. Be my guide Father. Be my Lawyer, my Judge, my Lover and my Friend. Be everything I’ve ever needed, ever longed for and ever wasted time on. Be my Everything, for You are Everything to me. You are the only reason I’m here, the only reason for living, the only reason for dying. You are my hearts beat, my lungs breath. You. Are. My. Life. And You are my death. You are the day and the night. You are in me, and around me. You have everything, and You have nothing. The only thing You want is the only thing You can’t have, unless I give it to You. You want me. I am so selfish. I want me too. There’s a fight going on, and I know who’s going to win, why don’t I just give up now? I fight for what I can’t have. And really, I don’t want me anyways. Why would I want me? Why would anyone want me? But You do. You want the scum of the earth. You want the filthiest thing around. Take it, I don’t want it, it’s dirty. And You do. You take me, and you scrub me up till I’m nice and shiny. You hold me and protect me. You love me. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. It feels so good. Why did I look to people to make me feel good, to affirm who I already know I am, who You say I am? I am so foolish. No. I am loved. You think I’m worth something, so I must be. What else do I have but that? I must be worth something. I don’t care anymore. I don’t care what people think. They never will love me like You can. You see my heart, You live there, and You know how pretty it is. It’s time for others to see. It’s time for them to see You radiating out of me. Enough! Enough fighting and crying and living in self pity. Others need You too, and You can’t love them unless they let You. It’s my turn to do something for You. You died for me. It’s about time I live for You.

pride vs pride?

I am so tired of believing lies. They cripple and deteriorate my identity. Why is it so hard to believe who our Father says we are?

Not long ago a friend asked me if I ever deal with pride. I gave the answer some honest thought before responding, "Not so much pride, but fasle humility". Ok, I should have seen it as soon as I said it, but I didn't. "False humility"...it's just that...false, and if it's not true humility, that makes it pride, because pride is the opposite of humility. Stop and think about that till you get it, if you haven't already.

I've never really struggled with pride the way I've ever heard it explained. I struggle with the opposite, feeling worthless, that I have no value...that everyone else is better than me.

Even the dictionary states pride as having "a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc."
Growing up in church, I was taught just that, to not think too highly of myself, cause that was pride. I was taught, as many of us were, to put everyone else above ourselves, for we are only "sinners saved by grace". Well, I believed it, and being a good christian, my life and my self worth was fashioned by that "truth". Everyone is better than me, and I am nothing special.

This morning I picked up a book by Rick Joyner "The Final Quest" and started reading. Very interesting. The book is a vision that Rick had, about the Army of the Lord, and the "hordes of hell". In chapter two it talks about a division of the enemies army called Pride, and as Pride was attacking the mighty warriors, another enemy division moved in swiftly. It was called Strong Delusion. Here's a short piece from the book:

"The enemy was fleeing in all directions, except for the one division, Pride. Completely undetected, it had marched right up to the rear of the advancing warriors, and was about to release a hail of arrows. It was then that I noticed the mighty warriors had no armor on their backsides. They were totally exposed and vulnerable to what was about to hit them.
Wisdom then remarked, "You have taught that there was no armor for the backside, which meant that you were vulnerable if you ran from the enemy. However, you never saw how advancing in pride has made you vulnerable."" ...
"Then another enemy division appeared and moved up swiftly. It was called Strong Delusion." ...
"I was astounded at how this great company of the righteous had been so easily defeated, and they still did not even know what had hit them. I blurted out. "How could those who were so strong, who have been all the way to the top of the mountain, who have seen the Lord as they have, be so vulnerable?"
"Pride is the hardest enemy to see, and it always sneaks up behind you." Wisdom lamented. "In some ways, those who have been to the greatest heights are in the greatest danger of falling. You must always remember that in this life you can fall at any time from any level.""


Pride and Strong Delusion are best buds. You'll have to search a great while before you find one without the other. Pride comes in, and you end up delusional. And then on the other hand, Humility and Truth are one and the same. Pride twists the way you see things, and seeing them through the eyes of humility brings truth.

You see, lowering myself to the level that I did, was not me humbling myself, I was still acting out of pride. Pride = false humilty. They are the same thing, just two extremes. It's like numbers. Lets look at the number 1 for example. There is -1, and there is +1, they are both the same number, but one is positive and one is negative, two extremes of the same thing. It is pride to exalt yourself, and it is pride to think of yourself as nothing.

God says I am valuable, righteous, holy, loved and cherished, a child of the King, ect. When I say that I am not righteous, that I am not holy, or that no one loves me, I am putting myself above God. When I say that I am anything other than what God says I am, I exalt myself above Him, and that's pride!

True humility is seeing myself the way God sees me. Man, that's tough. I've been believing lies my whole life thinking I was acting in humility...and it crippled me! I still haven't grasped this stuff...living and acting like Royalty.

Here's a some verses I looked up today, my notes added after them:

Isaiah 2:17 "The arrogance of man will be brought low and the pride of men humbled..."
[arrogance is "overbearing pride", and they will be brought low. And the pride of men humbled]

Pro 29:23 "A man's pride shall bring him low: but honour shall uphold the humble in spirit."
[low...hmmm, did you think that maybe that could also have some sort of "upward" motion to some people? some people are nothing, so thinking of themselves "low" is going up the ladder!]

Pro 11:2 "[When] pride cometh , then cometh shame: but with the lowly [is] wisdom."
[first pride, then shame. Pride leaves you full of shame.]

Pro 16:18 "Pride [goeth] before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall."
[and again...pride, then destruction, haughtiness before a fall]

1Ti 3:6 "...lest being lifted up with pride he fall into the condemnation of the devil."
[oh look, there it is again...pride leads to "condemnation of the devil"]

Did you notice the general gist of those verses (there's many more in the bible like them, I just picked out a few)? They all talk about the same things. And, did you also notice that not once does it say "Pride comes before humility"? They all annotate "Pride comes before humiliation"...or some sort of destruction, which actually would be humiliating.

Think about a situation where a friend had just said something prideful and nasty to you, and then they trip and find themselves on their face...what would you say? Ha, yeah, we've all said it, "Pride comes before a fall!" For the person who just fell, that is not humbling, that's humiliating. On the other hand, if that person spoke out of humility and they tripped and fell, they would still have their dignity. Shame (the result of falling) cannot come to a humble person. A truly humble person, if they were to stumble, would not feel shame because they know who they are, not who their circumstanes say they are. Shame, or thinking you are valuless, is the offspring of pride. The proud person who falls is left in shame, but the humble are still given honour. The proud fall into shame, not into humility!
***Note: If that paragraph confused you, let me know and I'll try to simplify. I was trying to get my head in text, and I'm still not happy with it. Sometimes it's hard to convert thoughts into words.***

God is not out to humiliate us, He is out to humble us. Big difference.

If you struggle with pride, you can either be brought down, or you can be lifted up, as in my case. I thought I was worthless, and hearing God tell me I wasn't, well that takes a whole lot of humility to admit that, crazy as it sounds. It's hard for me to admit that I have value. It's...humbling.

I guess what I've been trying to say, is that "True humility is agreement with the truth", as I read in "The Final Quest."

I have eaten enough bitter lies in my life, I want some milk and honey!
Father, I'm ready to eat Kings food! Open our eyes to see ourselves the way You see us, not thinking too highly, or too lowly of ourselves! Father, we cry out for Truth to reign in our lives! Bring us to a point of true humility, through a revelation of Your Spirit!

fixing the gospel

This post was a response I wrote concerning THIS post. But, since it took me hours to write, and it was to a post back in March, I figured I would repost it in my own blog as well.

Fixing the Gospel eh...

Well, it's not working cause it is just as you said "our gospel". We are only giving the world we encounter a piece, rather than the whole. All we are doing is praying for them to be drawn in, and when the few stragglers end up wandering into our churches, we preach to them. No wonder they don't hang around, I wouldn't. Just as we are hungry for God...so is the world, and we are the link for them, and we aren't giving God to them. We go to Him and ask Him for more, but the world comes to us looking for Him, cause they haven't met Him yet...and we preach to them?!? Come on church! Wake up! They are starving for something of worth, and we preach to them?!? Seriously.

Words don't feed the need. You forget what people say, but you never forget how someone made you feel. The world needs to feel God. They are looking for an experience with Him, an encounter. That's why they come in, and then they walk out saying "I've tried that, and it's not for me". If I didn't know God, I would walk away too, feeling emptier than when I walked in. We (the church) are telling people they need Jesus, but we are keeping Him to ourselves. Because why...? Fear. We're too scared. "Perfect love casts out fear". Why don't we try acting out of love, instead of fear? An athiest once asked my brother if he believed what he preached, my brother obviously answered yes, and then he told my brother "If I believed that Jesus is who you say He is, I would crawl on my hands and knees over continents of broken glass just to tell one more person". I want to scream at the church (and yes, I am a part of her) "WAKE UP! OPEN YOUR EYES!". The world around us is dying, we have the cure, and we are too afraid?!?! Get over it!

The whole Gospel is what they need. Look around, the world is dying without it. What is the "whole Gospel" then...? “heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, cast out demons and raise the dead”. That's what God told us to do. But no, we chose to "preach" instead, 'cause it's easier. What if Jesus chose the "easier" gospel? Think about that.
He was not a wimp, He set out to save humanity, and then, He passed it on to us.

"Believe me: I am in my Father and my Father is in me. If you can't believe that, believe what you see—these works. The person who trusts me will not only do what I'm doing but even greater things, because I, on my way to the Father, am giving you the same work to do that I've been doing. You can count on it. From now on, whatever you request along the lines of who I am and what I am doing, I'll do it. That's how the Father will be seen for who he is in the Son. I mean it. Whatever you request in this way, I'll do." ~John 14:11-14

"If you love me, show it by doing what I've told you(“heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, cast out demons, raise the dead”). I will talk to the Father, and he'll provide you another Friend so that you will always have someone with you. This Friend is the Spirit of Truth. The godless world can't take him in because it doesn't have eyes to see him, doesn't know what to look for. But you know him already because he has been staying with you, and will even be in you!" ~John 14:15-17

What are we doing with It?
It's time to stand up.

According to dictionary.com a "Christian" is
"a person who exemplifies in his or her life the teachings of Christ""following the teachings or manifesting the qualities or spirit of Jesus Christ"
"One who professes belief in Jesus as Christ or follows the religion based on the life and teachings of Jesus"
...And still...
"One who lives according to the teachings of Jesus"

Come on church, this is from "dictionary.com". Don't we know this yet? The world knows who we are, it's time for us to learn it.
It's time to start actually being "Christians". It's time to give the world what they're asking for, what they need. Jesus.

Tough luck if it's hard, you're the one who signed up. Jesus never forced you. All He did was love you, and with that, you've either fallen in love with Him, or you haven't.
Being a Christian isn't "easy", but seriously, if you are out for the easy road, don't claim to be a "Christian". It's people like that that turn away the hungry. They are the reason the world is still lost. After an encounter with a "christian" like that, they are left with a bitter taste in their mouth, and all Jesus wants to do is feed them milk and honey, but He can't get close enough 'cause when they see what they think is Jesus, they run..."they've already tried that".

Look.
When someone gets healed, delivered, set free, or raised from the dead, you don't have to convince them of anything, they KNOW God is real, and they'll tell everyone they know. They then turn into evangelists and pull everyone around them to God, cause they've experienced Him. No preaching required. When someone genuinely experiences God, there is no one that can convince them He isn't real. They know, cause He just healed them! Does that not have the sound of revival to it?

We need to stop "preaching" to people, and we need to let them experience Him. Stop being so apathetic and get over your fears. We were COMMANDED to “heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, cast out demons and raise the dead”! So start doing it! The world is dying, and we know what to do about it.
Give them Substance, and there's no "convincing" needed. Our "job" is then made easy.

We can't save anyone, but the Jesus in us can. Get full of Him, and He'll do our job for us (thru us).
"The person who knows my commandments and keeps them, that's who loves me. And the person who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and make myself plain to him." ~John 14:21

C'mon church, lets turn this world upside down with the Gospel!