Since my last post in 2009...

2009-2012 = death to me.  Actually, more like 1982-2012 = death to me.  Come to think of it, since I've been born (1982) to where I am today, hasn't really been my "life"...it's been my death.  It's been all about me dying...and honestly, I'm ready to be raised from the dead.  I'm ready for my "life" to start.  Everything has been so painful and hard, but I know I wasn't created for an "easy" life, although, I can't say I wish I wasn't.  I'm not trying to complain here...but seriously, life has sucked right from the beginning (and here isn't the place to write it all).  And I know I'm not the only one with a poorly dealt hand.  And yes, I have seen the sunshine, but it only comes out long enough to fill me with hope to make it through the impending thunderstorms.  I'm ready to live in the sunshine, with occasional thunderstorms...or hey, if I had a choice, why take any thunderstorms at all?  But it's not my choice is it?  (I believe I wrote another post about this very topic)

But you know what?  If this is the life that God chose for me, then I will take it...and...even if I have to grit my teeth to say it...I will take it with joy, or joy to the best of my ability.  Because even when I don't understand why I've been dealt what I have, I choose to trust, I choose to hope, and I choose to love.  I will always choose love...because there is nothing greater than love, yet it is the very thing that is killing me.  It hurts so much to love, to cut your heart open for someone else to throw dirt and shit on.  It doesn't feel fair, it doesn't feel right, but loving through the pain is always worth it, it is always right. 

I can't believe I'm writing this.

Here I am, in the toughest season of my life...even harder than the one when my mom died...and I'm saying it's worth it.  My head is screaming at me saying it's not, but my heart, the part that knows me better than my head...and even the one that is in so much pain...is telling me it's worth it.  It must be.  It has to be...otherwise I'm dying for nothing, and I don't want to believe that is true.  Loving until the death...through the death until the life, is all I have.  I have to hang on to what I believe is true, or I would not make it out the other side. 

I don't even know if what I'm writing is making any sense.  I am trying to write truth out of a place of severe pain, but looking through the pain lens distorts what's really happening. 

I'm just so tired and in need of rest like you would not believe.  I really don't know why God had all this laid out for my death, but I know that I must be faithful because my life is waiting, and I want to live.  I'm so tired of dying.  You know, I asked God the other day why, and I proceeded to tell Him that no one else would stay, that no one else would put up with what I put up with, that no one else in their right mind would do it...and He told me..."that's why I asked you to do it."  I didn't know what to say. 

But it's true. 

God and I both know that I will not give up.  When I know that I know that I know that it's God, I will not give up.  I can't.  There is something in me that drives me to hang on.  There are no other options but to just make it through, even if it kills me.  And this time around, I saw myself making it out the other side dragging myself along the ground by my hands...barely able to crawl, almost dead. 

I don't know where I am.  I don't know how close to the end I am.  But I sure feel like I can't hang on much longer.  I feel like I'm at the point of dragging myself along the ground, although I've been here for quite some time already.   And even if I'm not even half way done...I will keep dragging.  I will make it out the other side.  I know this for two reasons.  One is that I refuse to give up, and the other is that I saw myself make it.

Once again, writing is a release for me, it's a way to formulate what's going on inside of me, and it brings clarity to my emotions. Writing is more for me than it is for you (I didn't write this for you, I wrote it for me) but if you get anything out of it, get this...

...when you know, that you know, that you know that something is God...


Don't ever give up!  It is always worth it...

...even if it kills you.

under the knife

There are so many words in the English language, but right now, I'm having a hard time finding the right ones to use. Emotions are hard to verbalize. There are only a few words that describe a vast amount of feelings. With that said...I'm mad at God...or something like it. I don't understand Him, and I've felt like He doesn't care about me. Yes, I know that's a lie, but I still feel it, and until I don't feel it anymore, it doesn't really matter if it's real or not.

Emotions are hard to push to the curb, especially for women. We are naturally emotional, we can't help it, God made us sensitive. Sometimes I hate it.

Back to God, and His seemingly lack of care, I've realized that I've been frustrated with Him for the better part of two years. It's hard to worship Someone you don't really like. It's hard to keep trusting Someone who appears to be the source of your pain. Pain is temporary, and to get to the other side of wholeness, you've got to go through it again, to get it out. Look at a sliver. It hurts when you initially get it under your skin, and if you don't get it out, it will "heal" in you. To really get it out, you've got to cut it open, dig around, and pull it out...and it hurts...all over again, and you have to heal, all over again.

That's where I've been. God has cut me open, dug around, and is pulling out all my slivers. And it hurts. And I've been mad/disappointed/frustrated...in a whole lot of pain, and having a hard time trusting, because every time I let Him close, He cuts me some more.

I'm not excited about God right now. I don't have very many things to brag about Him, nor do I feel like it even if I did. And I do realize I choose my own attitude, and right now, I've chosen a pretty crappy one. Like the disclaimer in the beginning, I'm an emotional woman, and I'm not feeling very happy with God.

That was my emotions.

Now is my heart.

God has wounded me because I asked Him to. I don't want anymore slivers under my skin. They agitate me and surface all too often. They fester over and over again and are quite gross. I want to be all better...and I know that it takes pain, a whole lot of it, to get better. I can't blame God for cutting me open, or logically even get mad at Him. He's just being the loving husband that He is, and answering the cries of His bride.

If you haven't yet, I'd suggest reading the lyrics by Skillet that are on the side of this page. That's where I am, again. "God, fix me! Ow, that hurts, stop it! I don't like You, I don't trust You, You cause me pain! Go away!" But in his love, all He hears is "God, fix me! Ow, that hurts..." And He is gentle, but no matter how gentle, or how sharp the knife, a cut is a cut, and there is pain involved.

Surrendering to the Source of your pain takes all the strength you have...well, for me anyways. It really is hard to keep trusting, keep praising, keep loving. I don't want to just go through the motions. Once again, I'm a woman, I feel things...and I want to feel all that is God. I need to feel Him. I need to feel His love. I can't live without it. Somewhere, deep down inside my heart, I do feel His love, I know that, but what's surfacing is the pain, that's what I'm wearing on my sleeve.

I don't' even know where I'm going with this. I just needed to write. There is a release for me to write, even if it doesn't make sense to anyone.

I won't give up. There is too much at stake for me to shut down because of "pain". I will keep going. I choose to keep looking up. Right now...God...I choose to trust You, even if I will never understand. I choose to be joyful. I choose to love those around me that You use to show me where my slivers are. They are just being obedient to You, and I've asked You to completely heal me. Thank You. Help me embrace this pain.

Business Adventures!

Yay! I just got a site up for my new business :D I'm actually really excited about it, aaaand, you'll notice a new "rapid cart" on the side of this blog advertising it.

This is one of those God things, that He recently brought into my life, after He took me through some major healing in the are of being a woman. I am so so SO excited to see where this goes, as I know, it's only the beginning! Hopefully soon I will get into lost wax casting, as well as wire wrapping! Here's where you can find everything... www.roseofsharon.artfire.com


Blessings!

~Sharon rose