under the knife

There are so many words in the English language, but right now, I'm having a hard time finding the right ones to use. Emotions are hard to verbalize. There are only a few words that describe a vast amount of feelings. With that said...I'm mad at God...or something like it. I don't understand Him, and I've felt like He doesn't care about me. Yes, I know that's a lie, but I still feel it, and until I don't feel it anymore, it doesn't really matter if it's real or not.

Emotions are hard to push to the curb, especially for women. We are naturally emotional, we can't help it, God made us sensitive. Sometimes I hate it.

Back to God, and His seemingly lack of care, I've realized that I've been frustrated with Him for the better part of two years. It's hard to worship Someone you don't really like. It's hard to keep trusting Someone who appears to be the source of your pain. Pain is temporary, and to get to the other side of wholeness, you've got to go through it again, to get it out. Look at a sliver. It hurts when you initially get it under your skin, and if you don't get it out, it will "heal" in you. To really get it out, you've got to cut it open, dig around, and pull it out...and it hurts...all over again, and you have to heal, all over again.

That's where I've been. God has cut me open, dug around, and is pulling out all my slivers. And it hurts. And I've been mad/disappointed/frustrated...in a whole lot of pain, and having a hard time trusting, because every time I let Him close, He cuts me some more.

I'm not excited about God right now. I don't have very many things to brag about Him, nor do I feel like it even if I did. And I do realize I choose my own attitude, and right now, I've chosen a pretty crappy one. Like the disclaimer in the beginning, I'm an emotional woman, and I'm not feeling very happy with God.

That was my emotions.

Now is my heart.

God has wounded me because I asked Him to. I don't want anymore slivers under my skin. They agitate me and surface all too often. They fester over and over again and are quite gross. I want to be all better...and I know that it takes pain, a whole lot of it, to get better. I can't blame God for cutting me open, or logically even get mad at Him. He's just being the loving husband that He is, and answering the cries of His bride.

If you haven't yet, I'd suggest reading the lyrics by Skillet that are on the side of this page. That's where I am, again. "God, fix me! Ow, that hurts, stop it! I don't like You, I don't trust You, You cause me pain! Go away!" But in his love, all He hears is "God, fix me! Ow, that hurts..." And He is gentle, but no matter how gentle, or how sharp the knife, a cut is a cut, and there is pain involved.

Surrendering to the Source of your pain takes all the strength you have...well, for me anyways. It really is hard to keep trusting, keep praising, keep loving. I don't want to just go through the motions. Once again, I'm a woman, I feel things...and I want to feel all that is God. I need to feel Him. I need to feel His love. I can't live without it. Somewhere, deep down inside my heart, I do feel His love, I know that, but what's surfacing is the pain, that's what I'm wearing on my sleeve.

I don't' even know where I'm going with this. I just needed to write. There is a release for me to write, even if it doesn't make sense to anyone.

I won't give up. There is too much at stake for me to shut down because of "pain". I will keep going. I choose to keep looking up. Right now...God...I choose to trust You, even if I will never understand. I choose to be joyful. I choose to love those around me that You use to show me where my slivers are. They are just being obedient to You, and I've asked You to completely heal me. Thank You. Help me embrace this pain.