Since my last post in 2009...

2009-2012 = death to me.  Actually, more like 1982-2012 = death to me.  Come to think of it, since I've been born (1982) to where I am today, hasn't really been my "life"...it's been my death.  It's been all about me dying...and honestly, I'm ready to be raised from the dead.  I'm ready for my "life" to start.  Everything has been so painful and hard, but I know I wasn't created for an "easy" life, although, I can't say I wish I wasn't.  I'm not trying to complain here...but seriously, life has sucked right from the beginning (and here isn't the place to write it all).  And I know I'm not the only one with a poorly dealt hand.  And yes, I have seen the sunshine, but it only comes out long enough to fill me with hope to make it through the impending thunderstorms.  I'm ready to live in the sunshine, with occasional thunderstorms...or hey, if I had a choice, why take any thunderstorms at all?  But it's not my choice is it?  (I believe I wrote another post about this very topic)

But you know what?  If this is the life that God chose for me, then I will take it...and...even if I have to grit my teeth to say it...I will take it with joy, or joy to the best of my ability.  Because even when I don't understand why I've been dealt what I have, I choose to trust, I choose to hope, and I choose to love.  I will always choose love...because there is nothing greater than love, yet it is the very thing that is killing me.  It hurts so much to love, to cut your heart open for someone else to throw dirt and shit on.  It doesn't feel fair, it doesn't feel right, but loving through the pain is always worth it, it is always right. 

I can't believe I'm writing this.

Here I am, in the toughest season of my life...even harder than the one when my mom died...and I'm saying it's worth it.  My head is screaming at me saying it's not, but my heart, the part that knows me better than my head...and even the one that is in so much pain...is telling me it's worth it.  It must be.  It has to be...otherwise I'm dying for nothing, and I don't want to believe that is true.  Loving until the death...through the death until the life, is all I have.  I have to hang on to what I believe is true, or I would not make it out the other side. 

I don't even know if what I'm writing is making any sense.  I am trying to write truth out of a place of severe pain, but looking through the pain lens distorts what's really happening. 

I'm just so tired and in need of rest like you would not believe.  I really don't know why God had all this laid out for my death, but I know that I must be faithful because my life is waiting, and I want to live.  I'm so tired of dying.  You know, I asked God the other day why, and I proceeded to tell Him that no one else would stay, that no one else would put up with what I put up with, that no one else in their right mind would do it...and He told me..."that's why I asked you to do it."  I didn't know what to say. 

But it's true. 

God and I both know that I will not give up.  When I know that I know that I know that it's God, I will not give up.  I can't.  There is something in me that drives me to hang on.  There are no other options but to just make it through, even if it kills me.  And this time around, I saw myself making it out the other side dragging myself along the ground by my hands...barely able to crawl, almost dead. 

I don't know where I am.  I don't know how close to the end I am.  But I sure feel like I can't hang on much longer.  I feel like I'm at the point of dragging myself along the ground, although I've been here for quite some time already.   And even if I'm not even half way done...I will keep dragging.  I will make it out the other side.  I know this for two reasons.  One is that I refuse to give up, and the other is that I saw myself make it.

Once again, writing is a release for me, it's a way to formulate what's going on inside of me, and it brings clarity to my emotions. Writing is more for me than it is for you (I didn't write this for you, I wrote it for me) but if you get anything out of it, get this...

...when you know, that you know, that you know that something is God...


Don't ever give up!  It is always worth it...

...even if it kills you.