the cost of freedom

I have recently been faced with a serious question from God. And...I failed. I got angry. I swore at Him, raged in my heart against Him. "How could He_____?" Well, for one, He's God. He can do whatever He wants, and if He wants to throw me into the fire, He can do that, because, well, He's God.

I have been given two options, and both are very painful. One is freedom, and the other is enslavement. I can stay where I'm at, or I can be free. Where I'm at is shit...pardon my language, but you'll probably read more of it in this post. I'm going to be real, and sometimes shit is the best word to use :)

So anyways, my heart is to be used by God. I long for a family, and I long to pour out my life into the slums of this world. That's all I want. That's all I've ever wanted. And I've known that if I stay where I'm at, I'll never be able to live my dreams, and I've known that to get where I want to be, is going to take my heart to break. Well, these are the options I know I've had for quite some time now, and I am now in the valley of decision. Take it, or leave it. Give up everything I am and be free, or hang on to my past and live in misery.

I struggled. Boy did I struggle. If God decided to physically show up to me (which I challenged Him to do), I was hell bent on all out war with Him. I was so mad. All I wanted to do was pull out every weapon I had and tear Him apart.

That lasted about 3-4 weeks.

And then I came to my senses.

And that's why I'm still alive to write this ;)

Why did I struggle with that question? Of course I wanted to be free...but to be free, is anything but free.

The cost of freedom. Gosh. It will cost you everything. And freedom won’t just take what you have, it will take what you are. I have already given up everything I have, I did that a few years ago, and life drastically improved, but this time around, it's calling for everything I am, and I freaked out (not to say I didn't freak out last time either).

To give everything I am, is to embrace everything He is. To receive His heart, mine has to break. And that's why I freaked. I know only in part what I am called to, and it's big, and it's scary, but there are people out there, who, if I don't get my act together, are going to hell. All heaven and earth was waiting for me to answer. Heaven was waiting for the ok to start, and earth was waiting to be saved.

***side note: Ok, please read this right. I'm not saying I'm going to save the world, or, it's all about me. I know I'm not the only one called, and I know I'm not the only one who's answering the call. But all of us need to get our act together. There are people out there that you and I are called to bring the Truth to, and if we don't do it, if we don't pick up our calling, they aren't going to make it to heaven. We can tell God to give our mantle to someone else, but essentially it's ours, and it's not going to fit anyone as perfectly as it was made to fit us.***

So, as I said earlier, I failed. I was overcome with fear of the suffering I was called to enter. I told God I didn't want my calling, and to give it to someone else. The mantle was too big and too heavy for me, and I chickened out.

But I was so torn, because I am so bound with chains I can't break off myself, and I so desperately want to be free. I can stay where I'm at, bound on the inside, and live in misery, or I can embrace the fire, and let the intensity of the heat melt those chains loose. I can fall on the Rock and be crushed, or let the Rock fall on me and crush me. Both options are painful.

A couple of days ago my life changed. again. And I gave in. My pride and fear fell to the ground, as I collapsed on the bathroom floor. I told God...He has my permission to completely wreck my life.

Freedom is so costly. True freedom only comes through Christ, and it will cost everything. But what else is there? I wouldn't be living if I didn't choose to be destroyed. I don't want to be in control anymore.

It's going to take everything I'm not, to get where I'm created to be. It's not enough for me to be challenged anymore. It's not even enough to be changed. When something is changed, there is still a possibility that it can be changed back. I want to be transformed, there is no turning back then. A butterfly can't be transformed back into a caterpillar.

This journey is going to be so painful. It wasn't even my fault how I got where I am...it was the sins of the people before me, the mistakes that they made. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm perfect, I'm saying that I got screwed up before I had a chance to screw myself up, but it really doesn't matter how I got where I am, what matters is that I can't stay where I am. And God created me with such a burning passion for Him, that I will do whatever it takes. There is a world out there waiting for the love of God...dying for His love, and God has called me to get over myself and do something about it.

And I'm finally answering that call. I've finally said yes.

Bring on the lions den Father. I know I'll make it out alive, for You said You'll close the lion’s mouths.