it's all God's fault

Being a Christian sucks...for the selfish at heart (me). I want to do what I want to do, and that goes directly against what a christian stands for. I have grown up putting people before me, and dying to self, and not living for me...but since I've done that, sometimes it makes it even harder to give up just a little bit more. I've already given up so much, can't I just do something I want to do?
No.
I can't.
Because Jesus didn't. And I'm supposed to be like Him.

My life has been totally ruined. Jesus ruined it. He's told me all the wonderful ways to live my life, and how fulfilling it will be, if I just accept what He's offering. What He didn't say, was that I wasn't going to be able to conquer myself and actually do what He's told me to do...well, at least I don't remember that part of the story. I am so independant, to a point that it's crippled me, and I know it. And I'm still the same. That's the worst thing about being a christian...is that it's been pointed out to me everything I'm doing wrong...and even though I know it's wrong, I don't change. I still do all those wrong things.

And then there's grace...
Sometimes I hate it, sometimes I love it. I hate it because I don't understand it. And it humbles me because I don't deserve it. It shows me that I can try as hard as I want on my own, but I'm always going to need it, 'cause I'm not perfect...and I don't like that.
If only I could just be perfect...then I wouldn't need God.
That sounds terrible. Did that just come from me? I have so much pride.
And the other side of the coin...
I love grace, because it lets me say all those things I just said without condemning me for it, I am still loved. And we love what loves us first, we can't help it. And Grace tells me He loves me, so I can't help but love Him back.

What a predicament. My life is so wrecked. My desires are almost non existent, replaced with desires not my own...and if that's not the worst part, I can't comprehend those desires. They don't make any sense to me, but yet they are now mine. I can't do what I want to do 'cause now I don't want to do it. What a mess. Totally not fair. Love isn't fair to the selfish.

John 12:25
He who loves his life will lose it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.

Well, I think I'm on the right path...hating my life...

Galatians 5:14
The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself."

And then again...maybe I'm not. I'm supposed to love others, and if I hate myself, that makes my job even harder.

Like I said...my life is a mess. But it's all God's fault. He told me to be perfect, and then He showed me I can't...gave me grace, which humbled me and showed me I need Him...and He loves me through it all. He loves me if I follow what He says, and He loves me if I don't. He would love me if I had no desire to change my heart, and He would even love me if I walked away from Him forever. I don't work for His love, and that's what's not fair. I want to think that I actually did something for Him to love me, but that would just be feeding my pride. All He wants is to pour out His love on me, and the only thing stopping Him is my willingness to recieve.

But the cool thing He told me the other day, is that He's going to do it even if I try to run (I've also prayed that He'd break my legs if I had any thoughts to escape...). He loves me so much, and He's going to use me as an example of His love. The same goes for you. That's what being a christian is about...God's love. We are walking around under God's amazing love for all the world to see. How much are you letting Him love you? Can others see it, do they want what you have? Why don't you open up your heart a little bit more and give Him a few more keys to all those locked doors? He's waiting, and the only thing He's going to do is love you. God's daring you to let Him love you more...
...are you up for the challenge?