self pity

Lord, sometimes it’s hard to keep my heart right.
Sometimes it’s hard to honor others when they don’t honor you. Sometimes it’s hard to love, when you aren’t loved in return. It’s hard to see things the way You do, when all I have are these earthly eyes. Father, teach me to be like You. Teach me how to focus on You when all I see is blurred through the tears of self pity. I’m sorry Father. I have failed in so many ways. But somehow You still love me. You never fail. Your love never fails. It’s hard to live in Your hands and not the hands of my enemies. It’s hard to look to You, when all I see is them. Teach me how to see. Father, teach me how to love others when they don’t love me. Teach me how to honor them when they don’t honor me. I know that I don’t honor someone because they are honorable, but because I am; teach me how to be honorable. Be my guide Father. Be my Lawyer, my Judge, my Lover and my Friend. Be everything I’ve ever needed, ever longed for and ever wasted time on. Be my Everything, for You are Everything to me. You are the only reason I’m here, the only reason for living, the only reason for dying. You are my hearts beat, my lungs breath. You. Are. My. Life. And You are my death. You are the day and the night. You are in me, and around me. You have everything, and You have nothing. The only thing You want is the only thing You can’t have, unless I give it to You. You want me. I am so selfish. I want me too. There’s a fight going on, and I know who’s going to win, why don’t I just give up now? I fight for what I can’t have. And really, I don’t want me anyways. Why would I want me? Why would anyone want me? But You do. You want the scum of the earth. You want the filthiest thing around. Take it, I don’t want it, it’s dirty. And You do. You take me, and you scrub me up till I’m nice and shiny. You hold me and protect me. You love me. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. It feels so good. Why did I look to people to make me feel good, to affirm who I already know I am, who You say I am? I am so foolish. No. I am loved. You think I’m worth something, so I must be. What else do I have but that? I must be worth something. I don’t care anymore. I don’t care what people think. They never will love me like You can. You see my heart, You live there, and You know how pretty it is. It’s time for others to see. It’s time for them to see You radiating out of me. Enough! Enough fighting and crying and living in self pity. Others need You too, and You can’t love them unless they let You. It’s my turn to do something for You. You died for me. It’s about time I live for You.